The House Drops the Pen — and the Bombshell
It’s official — the House Oversight Committee just sent the Biden autopen investigation straight to the Department of Justice, asking them to figure out who’s been running the show over the last four years: Joe Biden or a Sharpie with Wi-Fi. Chairman James Comer’s report reads like a political crime thriller — except this one might actually be real. The Committee found evidence suggesting that during Biden’s presidency, a mechanical pen might have done more governing than the man himself. The report argues that aides possibly used the autopen to authorize executive orders, pardons, and maybe even the occasional lunch menu — all while hiding Biden’s cognitive decline from the public. Naturally, Democrats dismissed it as a “baseless political stunt,” which, translated from Washington-speak, means “please stop asking questions that make us uncomfortable.” The DOJ is now being asked to comb through every executive action from Biden’s presidency. Given how fast Washington moves, we’ll probably see results around the time self-driving cars can run for Congress.
“I Made Every Decision”: Biden’s Greatest Tall Tale
When asked about it earlier this year, Biden told The New York Times, “I made every decision. Everybody knows how vindictive he is,” referring to Donald Trump. The quote was supposed to sound firm, but it came across more like a man trying to remember if he signed an order or ordered a sandwich. Biden insists that the autopen was never used without his permission — though at this point, one might wonder how he defines “permission.” Was it verbal? Written? Telepathic? While Biden claims every action was his own, the Committee notes that record-keeping in his White House was so loose you could drive Hunter’s Porsche through the gaps. The real kicker? Pardons were reportedly discussed with family members present — including Hunter himself — as though the Oval Office had turned into a family group chat. Even Dr. Kevin O’Connor, Biden’s White House physician, took the Fifth rather than answer basic questions about whether his patient was cognitively up for the job. That’s not a great look for the “most transparent administration in history.”
When Bureaucrats Run the Country (and the Pen)
If you’ve ever wondered what government by autopilot looks like, congratulations — you’ve lived it. The Biden autopen investigation is the perfect metaphor for how Washington operates: faceless staffers make the calls, someone stamps a name on it, and we’re all told it’s “leadership.” The idea that a presidency might function on mechanical signatures instead of executive judgment is both absurd and, unfortunately, believable. It’s as if bureaucracy has gone full science fiction — government by algorithm, complete with an autopen that probably has better approval ratings than its owner. The report suggests that without documented proof that Biden personally approved each action, many of those orders could be “void.” Imagine the fallout: executive orders, pardons, maybe even those student loan cancellations — all potentially signed by the world’s most obedient pen. It’s funny until you realize that the Constitution doesn’t list “autopen” anywhere in Article II.
The Media’s Magic Trick: Vanishing Scandals 101
The Associated Press and others immediately tried to bury this story under the headline “No concrete evidence.” That’s journalism-speak for “we didn’t bother to look.” The same press that spent years turning Trump’s Diet Coke choices into constitutional crises now yawns at the idea that an unelected group of aides may have been running the country. Instead of hard questions, we get headlines about “Republicans recycling claims.” Of course they are — because every time the GOP raises a legitimate concern, the media hits copy-paste on “no evidence” before even reading the report. If Trump had used an autopen, CNN would be running holographic diagrams of the pen’s fingerprints. Instead, the coverage now feels like a mass shrug from journalists who’d rather talk about Taylor Swift’s Halloween costume than whether a sitting president actually signed his own executive orders. The double standard isn’t just obvious — it’s insulting.
Why This Matters More Than the Beltway Thinks
This isn’t just about who signed what; it’s about whether the American people were misled about who was making decisions that affected their lives. The Biden autopen investigation has become a symbol of something bigger: a Washington culture that treats accountability as optional and transparency as a political inconvenience. If it turns out that aides or advisers were quietly wielding executive power, even in small ways, it sets a precedent that undermines the entire concept of an elected presidency. And yet, the establishment response is basically, “Don’t worry, it’s just a pen.” No — it’s the principle. Americans deserve leaders who lead, not signatures that sign themselves. If the autopen truly was the most active member of the administration, then it’s not only time for an investigation — it’s time to remember why we have checks and balances in the first place.
Editor’s Note: This article reflects the opinion of the author.
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